Were you married one or two times? What happened to the marriage(s)?

I was married two times. In the documentary The Therapy the producer opted to only discuss the first marriage so as not to confuse the audience with details.

My first marriage was to a lovely lady from England who was studying at Neve Yerushalayim, a seminary for women in Jerusalem. I did not tell her about my past challenges with same-sex attraction, just as she didn’t tell me about her past life as a non-religious woman. I did not feel that I was cheating or being dishonest with her because I was already two years without “acting out” with men or images or men. I didn’t consider myself “cured” but instead at a point where I could be a good husband to my wife.

I think I was a good husband to my first wife, and we enjoyed many things together, including intimate relations which resulted in – among other things – six children. We did have problems, but ALL marriages have problems, and it is up to the couple to work them out as best as they can. That didn’t quite happen. Add to that the fact that the internet became faster and more sophisticated as the marriage progressed, giving me easy access to things I should not see. My wife eventually had someone search my Internet Explorer history where they found the inappropriate sites (my therapist always wondered what her reaction would have been if I had been visiting heterosexual “porn” sites instead of what she found).


I tried to reconcile and hired a marriage counselor to help us – besides my own work with my therapist Shlomo Zalman Jessel. But it didn’t help, and after a 3-year battle, I gave my wife the get – a Jewish divorce document.

I was interested in remarrying, and after the shiva for my son I started looking for a new wife. I found a wonderful woman and we dated several times. I consulted with my therapist and rabbis and concluded that I would have to tell her about SSA. I did. I explained my past history to her. She was a bit taken aback, and decided to seek rabbinic advice from several rabbis, including Rabbi Aharon Leib Shteinman (1914-2017), who at that time was considered the foremost Torah Sage in the world. She asked a cryptic question about a man who liked other men – without mentioning marriage – and he responded, “MARRY HIM!”

We did get married, though we never discussed same-sex attractions ever again. The marriage ended after 7 years (no children), though SSA had nothing to do with its demise.

I have not begun the search for a third wife. I used the excuse of “trauma” for a while. Now I am just scared of the responsibilities of marriage. But if I overcome these fears, I will definitely let any prospective wife know about my past challenges with SSA.

Though with the documentary The Therapy, I might not have to make such an announcement, as it might already be a known thing!

Would I recommend someone who is challenged by SSA to tell a prospective wife about it? Yes. When I was about to marry my second wife, I used this logic:

  • If my wife understands my challenge and still wants to marry me, then this could be a great marriage.
  • If my wife says that she doesn’t want to deal with a person with such a challenge (“too much to handle”, “not interested”, etc.), then it is great to know that before the marriage so that both parties can go their separate ways.

Having a wife who understands her husband’s challenges and is willing to work with him to help him overcome his challenges is ideal!

Comments (0)

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *